Alex: FML. Dude, Mom and Dad just told me I’m adopted.
Jake: LOL! I can’t believe they kept that from you! That’s hilarious, thanks God I’m not.
Alex: Jake… we’re twins.
Jake: So?
Alex: Think about it.
Jake: Sh*t…
My Eyes Burn
Male Patient: Doctor, every time I love a woman, my eyes burn. Why?
Male Doctor: I would say, probably because of the pepper spray.
Can I Ask A Question
Son: Dad, can I ask a question?
Dad: But you just did.
Son: LOL! Can I ask 2 questions?
Dad: But you already did!
Son: Then, can I ask 4 questions?
Dad: You just did again!
Son: But when?
Dad: Now.
Son: Dad, please…!!!
Be More Like Your Brother
Mom: Why can’t you be more like your brother?
Son: But Mom, I don’t have a brother.
Mom: Exactly.
Hot and Cool
Woman: Call us beautiful, not hot. We are woman, not temperature.
Man: Call us handsome, not cool. We are man, not ice cream.
Lyrics to Macarena
https://youtu.be/Z1Df-YjO8W8
What Do You Do for a Living?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh, I work. But that’s not living.”
An Arrow
An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.
Anonymous Wise Man
Assuming the amount of sh*t happened for the past year, my life is probably trying to launch me into the other galaxy.
A Guy At Starbucks
I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No iPhone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee like a psychopath.
Destroy Racism
BE LIKE A PANDA
HE’S BLACK
HE’S WHITE
HE’S ASIAN