Category: Funny Stories

Do you believe in God?

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Emo Philips

Homer’s Wise Words

Homer: I want to share something with you, the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future… Unless we stop them now!

Homer: I don’t know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer: Well, he’s got all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge: What’s that?
Homer: A dinosaur.

Lisa: I didn’t think you’d understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!

[Homer’s love letter to Marge where Homer is paralysed and communicates through farting.]
Homer: Dearest Marge, though my body can not move, my heart still beats and my brain still brains. I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say. Perhaps some day there will be a cure, although if it requires months of difficult therapy, I’ll pass. You are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours. For further communication, I will require more beans. I love you.

Homer: I will love you as long as my heart still beats and my brain still brains.

Homer: Son, come here. Of course I’m not mad. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we’ll go and watch TV.
Bart: What’s on?
Homer: It doesn’t matter.

Homer: Ohhh, why do my actions have consequences?

Moe Szyslak: [After Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in.] Whatsa matter, Homer?
Homer: Not a thing in the world.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Homer: Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you’ll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that’ll make you smile.

Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.
Carl Carlson: They don’t have parking meters anymore. Now there’s a little thing you swipe your credit card into.
Homer: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: If at first you don’t succeed, give up.

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me … Superman.

Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Bart: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man … (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don’t know.

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer: We kill Mr. Burns! We kill Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns gonna be mad!

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed too, then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now …

Kendaraan Di Surga

Tiga pria meninggal dan masuk surga. Surga mempunyai peraturan bahwa setiap orang baik maupun jahat akan mendapat kendaraan yang pantas dengan perbuatannya.

Lelaki pertama tiba dan malaikat bertanya, “Berapa tahun kamu menikah?”

Jawab lelaki pertama, “20 tahun.”

“Berapa kali kamu mengkhianati istrimu?” tanya malaikat.

Jawab lelaki pertama, “5 kali.”

“Baiklah,” jawab sang malaikat, “Kamu boleh masuk tapi hanya mendapat Kijang.”

Lelaki pertama pun berlalu dengan Kijangnya. Berikutnya adalah lelaki kedua.

“Berapa tahun kamu menikah?” tanya malaikat.

Jawab lelaki kedua, “30 tahun.”

“Berapa kali kamu mengkhianati istrimu?” tanya malaikat.

Jawab lelaki kedua, “2 kali.”

“Bagus! Kamu pantas mendapatkan BMW,” kata malaikat.

Tibalah kini lelaki ketiga dan malaikat pun mengajukan pertanyaan yang sama yang dijawab si lelaki ketiga, “50 tahun.”

“Berapa kali kamu mengkhianati istrimu?” tanya malaikat.

Jawab lelaki ketiga, “Tidak pernah.”

“Luar biasa! Ini kunci untuk Ferrari,” kata malaikat.

Suatu hari, tatkala lelaki pertama dan kedua tadi tengah mengendarai mobilnya, mereka melihat lelaki ketiga duduk di tepi jalan sambil menangis.

Mereka menghampirinya dan bertanya, “Ngapain kamu nangis? Nggak puas sama Ferrari?”

Jawab lelaki ketiga sambil mengusap air matanya, “Tadi aku berpapasan dengan istriku yang sedang naik sepeda …”

Akibat Menginjak Kodok

Ada Tiga pemuda remaja yang bernama Amin, Budi dan Boneng. Di antara ketiganya Boneng yang wajahnya paling amburadul. Mereka sedang berwisata ke Tanjung Kodok. Boneng berpesan kepada temannya agar jangan ada yang menginjak kodok karena kalau menikah nanti bakal mendapat istri yang jelek.

Kedua temannya tidak percaya, “Itu takhayul,” kata mereka berdua.

10 tahun kemudian mereka reuni di rumah Boneng, Amin yang tiba duluan.

Melihat istri Amin yang jelek, Boneng berbisik, “Kamu sih Min, kenapa dulu nggak percaya sama nasihat saya dan malah nginjak kodok?!”

Tak lama kemudian Budi juga datang dengan istrinya yang lebih jelek daripada istri Amin.

Boneng berbisik, “Bener kan? Habis kamu nginjak 2 ekor kodok sih!”

Kemudian mereka berdua bertanya, “Mana istrimu Neng?”

“Masih bikin minuman,” jawab Boneng.

Tak lama kemudian istri Boneng keluar, dan mereka kaget karena melihat istri Boneng yang sangat cantik seperti bidadari. Mereka berdua kagum dan memuji kecantikannya.

“Terima kasih,” kata istri Boneng, “Mas Boneng memang nggak nginjak kodok, tapi saya yang nginjak 5 ekor kodok!”

Fakta Baru Di Dunia

Ada 3 fakta baru yang ditemukan di dunia ini:

Fakta #1:
Kamu tidak akan bisa menyentuh semua gigimu dengan menggunakan lidahmu.

Fakta #2:
Setelah membaca Fakta #1, dengan bodohnya kamu akan mempraktekannya.

Fakta #3:
Setelah membaca Fakta #2, kamu akan tersenyum dengan jengkelnya.

Kenapa Ayam Menyebrang Jalan?

Kenapa Ayam Menyebrang Jalan?

Guru TK:
Supaya sampai ke ujung jalan.

FBI:
Beri saya lima menit dengan ayam itu, saya akan tahu kenapa.

Aristoteles:
Karena merupakan sifat alami dari ayam.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
Saya memimpikan suatu dunia yang membebaskan semua ayam menyeberang jalan tanpa mempertanyakan kenapa. (I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. – Ralph Waldo Emerson-)

Continue reading Kenapa Ayam Menyebrang Jalan?

Elephant

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the wall, “Maybe an elephant!”

The Captain

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

Wrong Email Address

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.