A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. [The robot slaps the son.]
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda. [The robot slaps the son again.]
Son: Ok! It was a porno.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! [The robot slaps the Dad.]
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son. [The robot slaps the mom.]
Girl: [post new status on Facebook] After a long stressful day at work I need sleep. 😴 Feeling tired.
Boy: [comment the status] Did you know that at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope? Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. If i were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Boy: Last night I hung out with some friends and cheated on you.
Girl: Don’t worry, I did something worse.
Boy: What?
Girl: Stayed home and trusted you.
* Conversation via online messenger.
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years old.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
*Logic! Children are quick and always speak their minds.
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now… Class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “Crocodile”?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that’s wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
Teacher: Clyde, you composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No sir! It’s the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
Q: What is the difference between a woman argument and a knife?
A: Knife has a point.
Code Geass: I planned for your plan that I had a plan for your plan.
Death Note: A kid writes names in a book.
Dragon Ball Z: Whoever yells the loudest wins.
Steins;Gate: Some guy laughs while microwaving bananas.
Strike the Blood: No senpai, this is our fight.
Mushishi: Some dude with white hair walks around.
Mirai Nikki: Dysfunctional couple participates in the Hunger Games.
The World God Only Knows: A demon helps a video game nerd hook up with a bunch of possessed chicks.
Bleach: BAN…KAI!!!
Astro Boy: Fighting robot that hates fighting.
Evangelion: Boy with daddy issues constantly molests his friends.
Attack on Titan: Large, naked people eat small, clothed people.
Fairy Tail: 4v1, the four heroes lose. 1v1, suddenly the hero wins easily.
Naruto: SASUKE!!!
Madoka Magica: Is this a happy place? NO.
Gintama: Neo armstrong cyclone jet armstrong cannon.
Hellsing: Guy with debatable fashion sense kills people/undead people.
Gungrave: See above.
Fate/Zero: If a character wasn’t tragically scared at the beginning, they’ll be tragically scarred at the end.
Yu Yu Hakusho: Thug becomes spiritual.
Patient: Doc, I’ve got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop.
Doctor: How is that a problem?
Patient: I wake up at 9.
Patient: Doctor, is there any medicine for long life?
Doctor: Get married!
Patient: Will it help to live a long life?
Doctor: No. But it will avoid such thoughts.
Doctor: I have some bad news and very bad news. What you wanna hear first?
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your lab report came and it said you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: What the hell?!!! Nothing could be worse than this news. So what is the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: ?!?!?!
Doctor: You are in very critical condition. You are dying and you don’t have much time.
Patient: OMG, that’s terrible. How long have I got?
Doctor: 10!
Patient: 10 what? Days, weeks, months or years?
Doctor: 10… 9… 8… 7… 6…
Patient: !!!!!!