If you say “Bloody Mary” in front of a mirror 3 times at 3AM, you’ll be told by your mother to shut the hell up and go back to sleep.
Category: Funny Stories
Some Statistics
100% of men didn’t notice King Kong is on the picture.
Interview – What Are Your Hobbies?
Employer: What are your hobbies?
Guy: I watch lots of porn.
Employer: Umm… ok, let’s try another question. What is your greatest strength?
Guy: My right hand.
Employer: OK, LEAVE!
Pick Up a Book Today
Fact 1: Reading can make you a better conversationalist.
Fact 2: Neighbours will never complain that you are reading too loud.
Fact 3: Knowledge by osmosis has not yet been perfected, so you’d better read.
Fact 4: Books have stopped bullets. Reading could save your life.
Fact 5: Dinosaurs did not read. Look what happened to them.
What Car Would You Buy?
If you won 1.000.000 dollars in the lottery and discovered that the money was stolen from thousands of poor families, what car would you buy?
Evolution of Men
Spartans:
By 14, boy is a survival expert. By 18, the best warrior on earth.
Vikings:
At 6, boy learns Glíma. By 18, he’s a skilled warrior and survival expert.
Today:
From the day he is born, boy is taught that males are inherently bad. By age 6, boy is obese and playing video games. By 18, he is a total pussy who requires “safe spaces” to not be “hurt” by words.
He Will Fly
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
Money Is Not Everything
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy you a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
So you see, money is not everything and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all of this because I am your friend, and as your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering. So, send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
Alan Answer Your Phone
Alan: Hey Jake! I am outside your house.
Alan: I want my jacket back. :-3
Jake: Alan.
Jake: It’s almost 3 o’clock in the morning and I am upstairs in my bed. There is no way on earth that you can make me get up and open the door.
Alan: O.K.
Jake: Alan???
Jake: Dude, don’t!
Jake: Don’t!!!
Jake: Alan, answer your phone!
Jake: STOP BREAKING MY DOOOOOR, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!
* Conversation via online messenger.
No One Cares
Me: I am gonna be a terrorist and kill 1.000 people and a monkey.
Friend: Why do you wanna kill a monkey?
Me: See?! No one cares about the 1.000 people.