I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, “13… 13… 13…”
The fence was to high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, “14… 14… 14…”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
When someone asks
if they can fax
me something.
FAX???
Why don’t you just send it
over on a dinosaur?
Man: Hey, morning!!! 😊
Woman: Yup, what are you doing?
Man: Trying to rearrange the alphabet and put U and I together. 😁
Woman: There’s no need for that when N and O are already together.
75% of students are good at Math.
Hmm… I belong to the rest 15%.
Divorce Lawyer: So kid, you wanna live with your dad?
Kid: No, he beats me.
Lawyer: So you want to live with your mom?
Kid: No, she beats me too.
Lawyer: So who do you want to live with?
Kid: A*s*n*l F.C., they never beat anyone.
If it can fly
It should die
My girlfriend is so smart.
I called her from my friend phone and she said, “What’s up honey?”
She already knew I was on the other side.
Woman 1: I just ended a 5 year relationship.
Woman 2: OMG!!! Are you okay?
Woman 1: Yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.
If you put your ear on a strangers thigh, you will hear, “What the f*ck are you doing?”