There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car.
We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late to work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: It’s Wednesday?
I don’t need to write that down,
I can remember it.
Yeah, I’l do it tomorrow.
I’m just gonna lie down
for 15 minutes.
I don’t miss her anymore.
Son: Mom, I got suspended from school today.
Mom: For what reason?😠
Son: The teacher asked us, “What do we get from the chicken?” I said eggs.
Mom: Then?
Son: The teacher asked us again, “What do we get from pigs?” And I said bacon.
Mom: Okey, then?
Son: And when she asked, “What do we get from the fat cow?” I said homework.
Real pain is when you offer someone your food just to sound polite and they say yes and take it.
If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself, “Am I dating a human or an onion?”