Category: Funny Stories

Criticism

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, “I can’t stand the critism anymore.”

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, “That’s not how you spell criticism.”

Can You Loan This Guy Seventy Bucks?

Warning: NC-17

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty.”

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”

“A handjob,” Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE…

She stares at it for a minute and then says, “I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to Harry and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Quote #125

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair.

Anonymous

Note: Some people say this is a quote from Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson.