Category: Funny Stories

I hate when I tell someone
I’ll be there in 10 minutes
and they keep calling me every 30 minutes
asking where I’m at.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife.

They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.

“What are you doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

He said, “So does 24 cans of beer and it’s half the price.”

That’s him in Aisle 5!

I met a girl crying outside a mall. I asked her what’s wrong. She said she lost $200. So, I gave her $40 from the $200 I picked up at the entrance.

When God blesses you, you must bless others.

When you wonder if she is proud or just about to cry…

Spoke to my ex after 10 years.

“Miss or Mrs?” he asked.

“Dr.,” I said.

So, I said to myself, as I was sitting in class, one day when I’m famous, people will stop making fun of my name… one day.

– Bender Scoopendoop

Listen! Am I the most attractive girl out there?

Of course not!

But do I have a good personality?

No!

But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person I can be?

Also no!

An Indian tribe captured three men. The tribe told each of them to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t, they’ll kill them.

The first guy comes back with 10 apples and the tribe members told him to put all of them up to his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him. After the second apple he screamed and they shot and killed him.

The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. …8 …9, still counting up then the guy laughs and the tribe shoots and kills him.

Up in heaven, the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, he had almost made it.

The second guy tells him that he saw the third man coming back with fucking pineapples.

Chat: I can’t.
Email: I cannot.
Term Paper of 3,000 words: I am unable to can.

Sigh!!! Beginners…

Me: I am afraid that I am not willing to be able to do that.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “No!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

* Husband is recovering from a head injury now.